


Creeps in the Subway Tunnels

by vivvav



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Dick Jokes, Explicit Language, Gen, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 02:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10821411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vivvav/pseuds/vivvav
Summary: A normal excursion into Mementos quickly turns into a series of encounters with a particularly unpleasant breed of shadows.RATED M FOR MARA. Nothing particularly obscene happens, just wanna play it safe with the rating given what Mara is.





	Creeps in the Subway Tunnels

**Author's Note:**

> This was born of another writing prompt from the Persona 5 subreddit. The original prompt by /u/grodr2001 reads, "While in mementos, the gang finds a floor dedicated to Mara..."
> 
> The idea was too funny to pass up on. I myself was a bit dumbfounded the first time I encountered the "Throbbing King of Desire" in game, so I definitely wanted to explore how the Phantom Thieves would react.

As far as requests went, it wasn't one of their more severe ones. Akira had befriended a kid who took arcade games way too seriously because of his mother's bad attitude. Now they were off to change his mom's heart. It wasn't exactly on the scale of stopping a string of restaurant thefts or dealing with the yakuza, but having a loving guardian wasn't unimportant, and it's not like they had anything better to do. They'd already stolen Shido's treasure, now they were just waiting to see if it would take effect. A trip to Mementos was just what the gang needed to take their mind off their troubles. Still, they'd been driving around for a while now, and it was starting to take its toll.

"I'm tiired." Futaba started to lay down and stretch out in the back, not caring that she was jabbing her foot into Yusuke's hip. "Need sugar. Candyyy..."

"You are under the most mental pressure of us..." Makoto looked back at the younger girl from her position in the passenger's seat. Even since before Futaba had joined the Phantom Thieves, Makoto felt oddly protective of the girl. Perhaps having been taken care of by her own sister for a long time now-- even if they hadn't seen eye-to-eye for most of it-- had instilled in her a desire to show that kind of care to somebody else. She turned to the group's designated driver. "Joker, do you have any candy you can spare?"

"No." Akira's response was curt. In most cases, the tone he conveyed it in would've been cause for anybody to feel slighted, but all of the Phantom Thieves learned early on that their leader didn't like to talk when he was behind the wheel. The fact that he replied at all was a bit of a shock. Hearing his codename must've broken through the mental barrier he usually put up so he could block out everybody else's chatter and focus on the road.

Suddenly, his stern expression vanished, and the maniacal grin of the trickster quickly replaced it. Up in the distance was a black, hulking, humanoid mass meandering along the tracks. Akira unbuckled his seat belt.

"But I think I just found us a pick-me-up! Mona, you ready?"

"I've got the target in sight, Joker!"

"Positions, everyone!" The others barely had time to react as Akira floored the gas pedal and the Mona-Wagon sped up, bringing their feet on top of the van's seat cushions and crouching.

The group leapt into combat as they had a hundred times before. As Morgana crashed face-first into the shadow's back and his whole body tilted upwards, he formed a hole in his roof that the other Phantom Thieves leapt up through, carried by the momentum of the crash. Futaba summoned Necronomicon and stopped in mid-air, ready to survey the ensuing fight. Akira and Makoto both made three-point landings, Akira steadying himself with the flat of his hand while Makoto punched the ground with her knuckledusters on, letting her weapon serve as a shield between the hard ground and her all-too-breakable human fingers. Haru and Yusuke both used their weapons to steady their landings as well, holding tight to their axe and sword and letting the weapons take the brunt of the impact with the ground so they could stay balanced. Ann's whip didn't have the same stabilizing capability as the others' weapons, so she tucked into a somersault as she hit the ground, turning her downward momentum into forward momentum. Morgana didn't really fly into the air at all, so he just poofed back into his usual walking cat shape, falchion at the ready.

Ryuji ate dirt. Thankfully, his mask was a bit thicker than the others, so he didn't really feel it, and he jumped to his feet, ready to fight.

The fallen shadow turned into a bubbling red and black pool, and exploded like a geyser. It started to take shape, looking to be at least twice the height of even Yusuke, the tallest group member.

"Looks like a big one" Futaba shouted from above.

"That just makes it easier to hit" Ryuji replied, getting his shotgun ready.

And then it took form, and for a moment, all the group could do was stare. It had taken the shape of a giant green penis. In some kind of golden hot rod with chariot wheels. With lizardy arms. And a bunch of tentacles. And a mouth open with a tongue sticking out lewdy. And... a nose between the mouth and the bottom of the penis head? Why?

"Oh, gross!" Ann was the one to break the silence.

"Are we truly in Mementos?" Yusuke looked at the creature with utter disdain. "Or am I merely having a nightmare?"

"Which answer would you prefer?" Akira asked.

"The former, I think. I'd rather believe such a hideous display could not be born from my mind."

"Are we seriously about to fight a giant dick!?" Ryuji was not happy. He was even less happy when he heard laughter coming from Futaba's UFO. "Shuddup! It's not funny!"

"It's a little funny", Akira replied. "Or it will be when we all look back on this someday."

"Dude, c'mon."

"Joker, Fox, Skull, let's go!" Morgana stepped forward. "It is our duty as gentlemen to destroy this vulgar creature so ladies need not get near it!"

"I don't mind, Mona-Chan!" Haru calmly started to walk up to the phallic creature, getting her axe ready while humming an upbeat tune.

"Noir, wait!" Akira reached out his hand but she was already a few feet away the monster.

 _"You never see it comiiiiinnnng..."_ Haru was singing under her breath.

"I don't think I _want_ to see this", Ryuji said.

Haru continued humming as she cleaved into the monster's flesh twice with her axe. Akira, Ryuji, and Yusuke all subconsciously lowered their weapons in defense of their crotches, profoundly uncomfortable looks on their faces. Haru leapt back, smiling as always, and blasted the creature with her grenade launcher. The boys all covered their eyes.

"Well?" Akira heard Haru's voice, his eyes still shut. "What are you all waiting for?" He forced himself to open his eyes and saw that the creature was dazed, unable to move. "Joker, aren't you going to collect its power?"

"I- You- There's no way you can expect me to-" Akira took a quick breath. "I am not letting a **dick** into my heart!"

"That sounds like some kind of weird love song", Futaba said.

"I am not going to respond to that!" Akira pointed at the downed monster. "Let's just get this over with!"

The whole party attacked at once, making the shadow disperse within seconds. It left a fair amount of money on the floor in its wake, but Akira didn't particularly feel like picking it up. He justified leaving it alone by pointing out they'd found a lot of gold just driving around. The party was largely silent after that, driving forward and eventually finding their target. They beat Shinya's mother easily, and Akira stated a desire to get home as quickly as possible.

Akira was in such a rush that he didn't check his corners as he drove away from the pocket palace. Morgana was attacked from behind by a shadow. As he skid and hit a wall, Akira opened the door, getting his knife out, ready for a fight.

The shadow took the form of another penis monster. And there were half a dozen more right behind it, also all taking the shape of penis monsters. Akira took in the sight for a moment, then calmly got back in the van.

"No."

Akira slammed the door and got Morgana back on track, driving away. The legion of phalluses gave chase, wheels spinning fast, all keeping pace with Morgana.

"They all have cars!" Ann yelled. "Why did they have to all have cars!?"

"Crap, I think they're gainin' on us!" Ryuji turned to Akira. "Where's the exit!?"

"I don't remember!" Akira was frantic. "This is not how I expected today to go!"

"So we're just drivin' blind!? I thought you were supposed to be our leader!"

"Get a hold of yourselves!" Makoto pulled out her revolver and lowered the passenger-side window. "Mona, open the back!"

"You want me to do **that!?** With **those things** chasing us!?"

"Oh, I get it!" Akira fished out his pistol and opened his window, steering with one hand. "Just do what Queen says!"

"Okay, but whatever you're planning better work!" Morgana opened a large hole in the back of the van.

"Everybody," Akira stuck his gun out the window, pointing it backward, eyes still on the road, but seeing the monsters in his rearview mirror. "Fire!"

Ann, Ryuji, Yusuke, and Haru all took formation in the back of the van. Ann sprayed her tommy gun wildly. Yusuke tried to distribute his rifle's ammunition evenly amongst the foes, but was frazzled. Ryuji was frantically firing off volleys of buckshot and reloading as fast as he possibly could. Haru was nonplussed, calmly loading a grenade, launching it, then loading another and repeating the process, smiling the whole time. Makoto was sticking her entire top half out of the passenger window, firing with her revolver, while Akira just kept pulling the trigger on his pistol, hoping to hit something behind him. Futaba curled up into a ball on the van's floor, covering her ears. All that noise in such a closed space was hard for her to deal with.

Despite unloading all their ammunition, the pursuing penises seemed unaffected.

"No way." Ryuji tried firing his shotgun one more time, with no result. "This ain't real!"

"I don't want to die like this!" Ann was in a complete panic.

"I never imagined the end would be so inelegant", Yusuke said morosely.

"Well Joker," Makoto looked to Akira, her face a mix of hope and despair, "do you have any last tricks up your sleeve?"

"Um... I don't-" Akira's eyes widened. There was that new thing he accidentally made in the Velvet Room! "Yes! I do! Queen, take the wheel!"

Makoto reached over to grab the steering wheel and put her foot on the gas where Akira's had been as he climbed onto his seat. He knocked his fist on the roof of the van and Morgana opened a hole in the top, which he climbed out through. Getting his balance, Akira stood on top of Morgana and turned to face his pursuers. He tore off his mask.

"Come to me... SATAN!"

A gigantic dark blue Persona appeared floating above Akira. It had six large bat-like wings, but covered in some kind of thick hide. It had long trailing lizard-like tails, hard ridges along its head, and six protrusions on its front that seemed like a cross between abdominal muscles and breasts. It was an imposing figure, easily the width of two, maybe even three of the phallic fiends it was facing off against.

Akira held out his hand, which began to emit a frosty aura.

"ICE AGE!"

From Satan's entire being came mighty frozen winds, causing large icicles to materialize between the Phantom Thieves and their unsavory assailants. The icicles were so large that they filled the entire width of the subway tunnel, forming a jagged wall, and Akira was just grateful that he couldn't see whatever was causing those garbled screams on the other side of the wall. After a moment, as the distance grew between the van and the wall of ice, Satan disappeared, and Akira lost control of all his muscles. He fell backwards into the hole in the van's roof, landing back-first in the passenger's seat, his entire lower body folded above his chest.

"Joker, are you okay!?" Makoto stopped the van and helped Akira get into a proper sitting position. She moved him very carefully, not wanting to aggravate any injuries he might have gotten from landing in such an awkward fashion. When he seemed to be in a comfortable position, she started driving again.

"Yeah." Akira was breathing heavily, his face drenched in sweat. "Well, not in the short term. But I will be."

"I've never seen that Persona before!" Ann popped her head over the seat, her face hovering over their exhausted leader. "Why haven't you used it until now?"

"Because it's exhausting. All of its attacks take way too much out of me. I'm gonna need to get a lot stronger before I can use it effectively."

Futaba's face suddenly popped up next to Ann's.

"I bet you could go for some candy _now,_ right, Joker?"

"Yeah. Or some coffee. I wonder if Boss could give it to me as an intravenous drip."

"Ooh! I've read about those! I bet I could rig one up when we get home! How's that, Joker?" Futaba waited a moment. There was no response. "Joker?" She looked down at him. Akira had passed out, his Phantom Thief outfit vanishing a moment later. She started poking him. "Hey, Joker, wake up!"

Makoto gently grabbed Futaba's wrist, one hand still on the wheel.

"Let him rest, Futaba. He's had quite a day."

"We all have", Ryuji added.

"Yes." Yusuke leaned his face again the window. "Let us never speak of this again."

And they never did.


End file.
